Damn Chris, now what! Can Chris Brown Get a Break? by America's Leading Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young
Chris Brown shuns an overly enthusiastic fan.
Damn Chris, now what!
Seems as if Chris Brown can’t get a break. Why is it Chris Brown can’t seem to shake the shadow of bad luck. Starting with getting his cell phone snatched, getting slapped, then arrested for assault (when he was attacked first), then sending a bottle of Champagne to Drake only to get hit by it; I’m left asking myself, “Damn, what’s up.” Despite all the good looks, talent and wealth, why can’t Chris Brown can’t get a break. Then, at the BET awards, the man is accused of carrying a damn gun. Which he didn’t have by the way. If you look up, “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t,” you’ll see Chris Brown’s Picture. That leads us to my blog this week, if a celebrity can’t get a fair shake - how can you?
My letter to Chris Brown:
I’m writing you because I care. I can relate to where you are and what you’re going through right about now. It’s difficult enough to be a celebrity, now throw in being a young black man too, the pressure quickly doubles. At best, it’s hard for anyone to fathom the stress & strain you experience from the constant media attention, the demands of your career, not to mention paparazzi being up in your business on a ‘day-in-day-out-basis.’ Most people have no clue what it takes to be you. For all that, it is the reason I’m writing you this letter. Here are a few things I want you to think about:
- Chris, do you know how important it is to stay alert (behave) in public?
I know that seems like such an obvious question, but it’s not. Being a high self monitor is a chore. It doesn’t come natural, nor does it come easy. However, given your position it’s a necessity. There are predators out there waiting to catch you slipping. If they do, it will cost you your reputation, and could cost you your career. You are a walking target for a broke struggling journalist or a groupie.
- Chris, is frustration getting the best of you?
This commonly presents itself as an anger problem. What most of us don’t realize is the majority of people suffer from, or are affected by, what appears to be anger issues. The issue isn’t just anger, it’s more about learning to control your triggers. This can be achieved with effective coaching. Also, there is a great deal of pressure on you. The key is admitting those pressures exist and dealing with them appropriately.
- Chris, are you letting the past adversely affect your future?
Many of your problems in the last few years are connected to people from your past. Past friends and lovers, are just that - “PAST” friends and lovers. Leave people and situations that have proven detrimental alone. You are a handsome, intelligent, talented young man. Don’t limit what God is doing, and can do for you be blocked because you are embracing your past more than your future. Remaining connected to past problems seldom benefits one’s future. Something to think about - Both you and Riannah are beautiful, talented people. But, you’re probably better off being friends. Relationships that are based on passion can blow up when you least expect them to. Not advice, but something for you to think about.
- Chris, America doesn’t care?
America loves a train wreck. If you do something wonderful, at best, maybe a couple of networks, or magazines will cover it. Conversely, screw up, you will make the national news faster than a crackhead can smoke a rock. It’s time for you to realize you don’t owe anyone anything. At the same time, you owe yourself something. You must start looking out for you. Now is the time to separate your public life from your private life. An ugly price tag comes with success, your life, whether you like it or not, is automatically subject to public scrutiny. Chris Brown the man, cannot allow “Chris Brown” the brand to wreak havoc on his life. You cannot become a slave to the paparazzi, but you can’t ignore them either. It’s time to start thinking before you speak or act. Moreover, you might want to consider where you go, and do you really need to be there. An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure. Besides, you cannot UN-strike a match.
This list could go on and on, but I think you’re getting the idea. If you would like to talk, just reach out. I’m here for you.
Chris Brown is no different than you or me. He’s human, he makes mistakes, and even when he get’s into a confrontation with a person, and they’ve long forgiven him, why can’t we? I’ve done hundreds of interviews in print, on radio and television. Eventually, all of them ask the same two questions, “How do I forgive myself, or someone else, and just move on? How do I get people out of my business” The answer to part A is - you just do? The answer to the second question is, keep your private life private. The worst thing in the world you, or anyone, can do is put folks in your business. Long after you’ve kissed, made up, and started back bumping uglies, your friends and family will still be talking about you and hating on your boo. In the case of Chris Brown, or any notable figure, nothing is more true.
Chris Brown and Rihanna are a perfect example of this is. Like most couples, they fight, they break up, then they make up. Sometimes it takes a day, maybe a month, in this case it took a year. No matter, it had nothing to do with me, or you. But, America is nosey as hell and loves a train wreck. If you’re honest, so do you. That’s a hard fact, but this hard fact becomes an ugly truth, especially when the train wreck of the day is about you. Then the issue becomes, “Why is everyone in my business?” That leads me back to the interview questions. First, accept that you created this mess by not thinking.
As for the answer to the question, “How do I forgive myself, or someone else, for hurting me?” Begin by realizing that nobody is perfect. Especially you. Think of all the stupid shit you do, particularly that which you didn’t mean to. Second, when you act a fool in public, don’t get mad when your business becomes fodder for the same.
How many people get up thinking, “Today I’m going to f*** up my day. As a matter of fact, as I begin my quest, I’m going to embarrass myself while making a fool of myself in front of my family, friends and business associates.” Unless your crazy, that’s the last thing on your agenda, but people do it everyday - including celebrities. It is my opinion we are so hard on others because we’re too damn hard on ourselves. When we need someone else to point a finger toward, our friends, relatives and celebrities provide an accessible scapegoat. Why own the burden of dealing with our own shit when we can target someone else's?
Think about it. When is the last time you took a good look in the mirror. Okay, maybe you don’t throw champagne bottles, or you haven’t jumped up on stage the VH1 awards and told Taylor Swift - “Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you…I’ll let you finish. But, Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! Perhaps unlike Kim Kardashian, who commented during a televised interview with Oprah Winfrey, you didn’t say you were “bored” during your 72-day marriage. Or, like Vice President Joe Biden, you didn’t have a microphone pick up you saying, “Big F++++++ deal just after introducing the President of the United States. Whatever the case, all of us do stupid things, things we are less than proud of.
If you want to keep your business private, then do. It really doesn’t matter if you’re being cheated on; if you said or did something stupid, or you’re the victim of a vicious rumor. As long as you don’t give people ammunition to shoot you in the butt, the chances are slim that anyone will. Likewise, if you sit on a tack in your home, more than likely nobody will know it but you. As a Relationship Expert and Holistic Life Coach, my advice is simple. Keep your dirt to yourself, and think before you act. If you have a problem with a friend or significant other, wait until you’re behind closed doors to air it out. Involving family, friends and colleagues is the dumbest thing you can do. People are going to betray you, especially if brings them rewards. In my opinion this is the case with Drake and Chris Brown. Drake exploited a situation for ego and personal gain. Always remember others are motivated by rewards. This can range from ego validation, to getting back at you, to extorting you for money. Remember as long as people have a mouth, they will talk.
Back to Chris Brown, give the kid a break. As a matter of fact, Chris, if you ever need someone confide in, call me. As for the damned-if-you-do thing. Not true. When you take control over your thoughts, actions and reactions, you become the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. Think people!!!
Keep your head up.
Dr. D Ivan Young
America’s Leading Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach
Author of Break Up, Don’t Break Down
Puffy and The Strip Club - The 2 Million Dollar Misunderstanding By America's Leading Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young
Puffy and the Strip Club - Is He a Stooge or a Stud
You Be The Judge
On May 25, 2012 Jen Odell of MSN's Celebrity WONDERWALL reported that P-Diddy, Sean “Puffy” Combs, decided to spend 2 million dollars at a strip club. Much to the dismay of ex-employee Rob Hoffman, a former photographer for Combs was pissed. "So cool dude!," Hoffman tweeted in reply. "I worked for you in February and still haven't gotten paid or reimbursed for my expenses. Have a f------ ball." Hoffman then urged all of his followers to contact the indebted Bad Boy honcho, writing, "I'd love it if you could all tweet @iamdiddy and ask him why he pretends he can throw 2 mil around at a strip club, but he can't pay his bills."
Now before you think I’m taking sides on this, I’m not. What’s between Hoffman and Diddy is none of my business. Nonetheless, their little melee inspired me to talk about Men and strip clubs in this weeks blog. My question is, is it a harmless form of entertainment, or a front for much more sinister activity. Are men under the spell of the strip club?
Let’s begin with the facts. Men have been gawking at the body parts of women since Fred Flintstone saw Wilma bend over in the cave. It is no secret that ALL men, including yours truly, love looking at scantly clad women. My question is why. Is it that we are addicted to boobs and butts? Is it that we can’t move beyond our testosterone-riddled instincts, or are we just hoes waiting to happen? Who knows?
Moreover, what does that say about the women who VOLUNTARILY chooses to get butt ass naked and drop it like it’s hot for any man that has a buck in his pocket. Is she a performing artist, an exhibitionist, or an undercover hoe? Truth be told, there is some element of truth in all of them. It’s just a matter of who you ask, and on what day. The history of stripping can be traced back to ancient Sumerian times; there was then a myth of the goddess Innana who descended into Hades to find her lover Damouz. At each of the seven gates of Hades, she removed a veil and a jewel. The Earth was barren for as long as Innana remained there; but when she returned, the Earth was again fruitful and abundant. Innana’s dance lived on as the famous dance of the seven veils of Salome, who danced for King Herod in the Old Testament. Strip tease in its many forms made its way out through Sumeria, Mesopotamia, Asia and west into the near East and southern Europe, via the Gypsies." This proves that tricks and hoes have been around since recorded history.
My question is why do men, and women, pay to go and see what they could see at home for free. Are we all just a bunch of horny freaks? It’s not like we don’t see sex in the media 24/7. It’s in everything, ranging from commercials for food, to prime-time television, in movies, on video games, not to mention all over the internet. In a search for the truth, I asked a few of my fraternity brothers why they go to strip clubs. Here are a few of their responses:
- "It beats going to a regular club, and you don’t have to wonder what she’s really working with!"
- "That’s where the real freaks are."
- "Good place to do business."
- "Didn’t have shit else to do."
- "I can get a drink, get some head and go home."
- "I don’t go to strip clubs."
I bet you’d never guess out of those answers which was the most popular. Believe it or not, I don’t go to strip clubs was the most common response. When I asked the brothers that said they didn’t go why they didn’t go, their response was, "I don’t like being hustled."
Then I asked, “If money wasn’t involved would you go,” the answer was, "Probably not." FYI-That was my answer too. My girl in her birthday suit works for me. I truly don't understand being teased (or pleased) by a woman that anyone with a few dollars can have, but that's just me. To each his own. Who am I to knock the worlds oldest profession masquerading as an art form.
This led me to my next question. For the thirty percent of men that go to strip clubs what’s the truth of what goes on there. Ladies get ready for the ugly, but not so surprising truth. Brothers, I apologize in advance for letting the cat out of the bag. It’s not about the dancing, nor the liquor. It’s for the hook up.
There is sex in the Champaigne Room, but only if you can afford it. For the average guy, the average $50.00 tab gets them one lap dance, two drinks and admission. In other words broke brothers ain’t getting no play. But, that’s not the case for the guy who’s willing to spend $200.00 dollars, the “almost” red carpet awaits. In the typical strip club, that’s enough to get him to a back room, the parking lot, or a HOE-TEL that’s partnered with the club. And for the man who is willing to spend around $500.00 dollars, or more, the sky is the limit. He is King, or should I say the Sovereign Fool, for the moment. As long as he is making it rain, the average club will accommodate him with everything from a steak, to a discrete blow job, and to an ATM that id’s as a legitimate business. However, when the rain becomes a drizzle, the trip to fantasy land comes to an abrupt halt.
As with most things, the employees make a fraction of what the club does. Most dancers live from week to week. Many gentlemen’s clubs impose fines, fees and sanctions on their dancers for everything. This includes paying the DJ to play their music, paying to having access to dance there, not to mention being fined for being late or leaving early. If they leave early, it’s usually to have a “date” with a customer. For those of you that were born last night, or are acting brand new, a date means doing something strange for some change. So guess how most dancers make a good living. Hint - It ain’t from dancing. They may be dancing with their heads in the clouds, but it’s far from dancing with the stars. The real money is made hooking up outside the club - with your man.
In other words, naked women and horny men lead to one thing - SEX. Now before you start tripping, if your man is broke, you don’t have much to worry about. Only brothers with money get the benefits. But, if he can afford to spend at least $150.00 up in a hood rat club, or $250.00 in a moderately nice to decent strip joint you might have just cause to be concerned. Hint - If he comes home smelling like Fisherman’s Wharf or itching you may want to have his trifling ass checked.
Here's a few tips that can help you, and your man, avoid becoming a victim of the strip club. Going to the strip club for a man is like going to the grocery store hungry. If you eat before you go shopping, chances are you won’t waste your money on some crap you really didn’t need. Also, it decreases the odds that he will wind up bringing something back home you regret having spent money on. As far as preventive measures go:
- Go take a stripping/pole dancing class yourself
- Lose some weight (you don’t need to be a size 6, but get right)
- Fix yourself up - Buy a sexy outfit and some stilettoes to wear at home
- Trim or get rid of your pubic afro (Most Heterosexual men love looking at an exposed vagina)
- Develop some good oral sex skills
- Good feminine hygiene goes along, long, long, long, long, way
Lastly remember whatever you did to get him, you have to keep doing if you want to keep him. Men are visual, and hands on. So if you keep him looking at you, he will keep his hands on you instead of someone else. But, as with most things, you cannot pussy-proof some men. If he was addicted to the strip joint before you met him, chances are he’s not going to change.
That brings me back to Puffy. His response to Hoffman was far from sympathetic: "I know you may think its better ways for me to spend my money. But its my mother------- money! I support the stripper association of America!" Now that's funny. ROFL
Dr. D Ivan Young
America's Leading Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach
Author of Break Up, Don’t Break Down
The Secret to Finding The Perfect Man By America's Leading Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young
Positioning yourself for Real Love to Find You
As one of America’s Top Relationship Experts, women of all ages, nationalities, and races, ask me the same question every month; “How do I get the right man in my life?” If, you, too, have been asking, today is your lucky day. I’m going to solve that problem for you. By the time you finish reading this, you will possess the tools needed to position yourself to meet, and/or keep, the right man in your life. So get the pen and paper out. Your correspondence course in finding real love starts now.
Let’s start at the beginning. To solve any problem requires getting to the core of the issue. We are going to begin by examining why you keep attracting the wrong damn man. Compare getting a man to dieting. If you keep eating what you like, as opposed to what’s good for you, how much of a chance do you have at actually achieving your goal? That’s right, NONE, ZERO! The majority of women can’t meet their Mr. Right because they’re involved with Mr. Wrong. When Mr. Right is destined to come on the horizon, you’re either preoccupied with the frog you’re trying to turn into a prince, or you’re so embittered and discouraged, even Christ would shake His head and run from you. Hint - Nobody wants to deal with your bullshit anymore than you want to deal with his.
In life, everything happens in seasons. When things are off schedule, no matter how much you want Cupid to gun down your future beau with his magic arrow, it ain’t happening. Until it’s your season for love, trying to snag it is a waste of time. Moreover, it may cost you far more than you gain. In the meantime there are plenty of things you need to handle before you run of to the land of bliss. Start with getting rid of your baggage. With the first step being getting out of, and over, failed relationships. Next end your booty call, shallow, go-nowhere, help-me-with-my-bills, fake relationships. Last but not least, get your pity party, say-everything-and-know-nothing friends out of your business. As long as you’re stuck on stupid, living in the past, and allowing a committee of fools to govern your decision-making process, you are renouncing your happiness.
By now, you’re probably asking, “When is he going to get to the part about me finding my Prince Charming?” Ask yourself: what sane man wants to be, or is going to stay, with you when you haven’t resolved your issues? More than likely, the reason you’re by yourself now is because you have unresolved issues. Issues that you are either in denial about, or when confronted you become combative or run. If you’re financially stable, very attractive, and in a supervisory position at work, there is a strong chance that you won’t allow anyone to tell you about yourself. And that, my dear, is a problem you need to put in check. Here’s how you can tell if that applies to you, if the last four people you dated all say the same thing about you, the issue not them - it's you. Now, before you say, “Dr. D Ivan Young, you don’t know me like that. Stop judging me!!!” I want you to take a moment and think about this. Who picked the last three or four idiots you dated, you or me? Moreover, why do you keep choosing dysfunctional people?
The other side of the coin is who you allow to influence your behavior. Typically it’s one of two sources. It’s either your friends, or your family. I won’t waste your time getting into that discussion; however, I will say this. How in the hell can the blind lead the blind? What is more, how can hurting people help heal and guide you?
Now let’s talk about you and your relationship with men. Successfully connecting with a man, a man who has your interests at heart, necessitates your consideration of some essential fundamentals. Here are somethings to consider:
- How did you meet him? How you meet someone has a great deal to do with the foundation you will have to rely on when times become challenged. Here’s an example - If you meet a man out partying, at church, or in some other environment where people are typically putting on a front in order to conform, don’t be surprised when pressure forces the masquerade to come to an abrupt halt. The party animal, and Bible Boy Billy are caricatures. In other words, make sure you meet the real person and not their representative.
- What were your motives when the two of you connected? Most people are motivated by external factors when they connect with a potential mate. There is nothing wrong with being physically attracted to someone, but it takes more than looks, trinkets, cars and an approval code to foster an all-encompassing connection. Furthermore if you’re motivated by material things, think about what that says about you. More than likely your shallow values are going to result in you drowning in a shallow relationship.
- Were you honest about your intentions? 90% of what you get in life is the direct result of your intention, or the lack thereof. You will attract what you seek. In other words, if your goal was to get attention, hustle for some change, or fulfill “your” fantasy, don’t be surprised when someone who is more attractive, better at hustling or better at creating a blissful illusion wakes you up from your pipe dream. There is a difference between letting things flow, and wandering in the abyss. If you go into something with no plan, and no expectation, how can you expect to build anything on an unsound foundation? Seldom do people plan to fail, but more than often they fail to plan.
Do’s and Don’ts
There are lots of good men out there. Here are a few things you should be aware of if you wish to meet, or keep one. First, it is true that good men are in demand, and women out number men 15 to one (depending on where you live that number could be much higher). In other words, you are not his only option, but if you utilize what I’m about to tell you, you can separate yourself from the crowd.
All meaningful interactions begin with sincere authentic conversations. Too often both men and women result to template conversations, out dated pick up lines, and head games when engaging a potential partner. My advice is don’t do that. It's a recipe for disaster. Instead, keep it real. Spend twice as much time listening as you do talking. For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth will speak. What men say, and especially what they don’t say, speaks volumes. In addition attractive men of substance have an abundance of welcoming vaginas beckoning their call. With that stated, it is imperative that you establish that not only do you have that too, but there is so much more to you. Proving you can be a partner and not a dependent is a great first step. Even if a man tells you he thinks a man should pay for everything, more than likely he’s telling you what he believes you want to hear. Men prefer women that can, and do, contribute to all areas of their lives.
There are definitely somethings you want to avoid being and doing. No man want’s a Chatty Cathy. A Chatty Cathy is a woman that doesn’t know how or when to shut up. No man wants a woman that lives her life by committee. That’s the woman who is always involving her friends and family in her business. Men are not attracted to women that don’t know how to manage money or who can’t keep a reasonably neat and orderly home. Lastly, the worst thing you can be is a needy, jealous, insecure damsel in distress. All men are attracted to independent resourceful women. If a brother sees that you’re always running to some man, or to your family for assistance, you just blew it.
How to Spot If He’s Into You
Contrary to popular opinion, statistics confirm more than often men “DON’T” cheat when they are validated and content. For a man, validation is first visual, then empirical. By this I mean, if you are what he is "naturally attracted to," you’re way ahead of the game. If he likes a woman with curves, and you’ve got them you’re in great shape. But, if you’re all bosom and no butt, the chances are high he’s going to cheat. Men are like wild animals, when what they like is accessible, and they’re craving it, it’s only a matter of time before instincts take over. Even if he doesn’t act on it, you will always feel him noticing what he likes. Then, despite you being a strong woman, sooner than later it’s going to take a toll on your self-esteem. Want to find that out where you really stand? Do the following, and present it exactly like this. Ask him what physical features on a woman's body turns him on (Ladies we are talking body parts....Butt, Legs, Hair, Breast etc..). If you don’t possess the physical attributes in the proportions he describes, it’s only a matter of time before he strays. Men will always gravitate to what they’re attracted to.
Previously, I stated, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Nothing is closer to the truth. If you want to know how a man feels, ask him what he thinks. What men say, moreover what they don’t say speaks volumes. To find out if you’re a good fit, ask him to describe his favorite personality / behavioral traits in a woman. An example: He might tell you he prefers a woman that’s a nurturer, or some who's more sexy than sassy. As he describes his preferences, pay close attention to his facial expressions. When you see a smile or a frown accompanies his comment, he means every word that’s coming out of his mouth. If you know you’re more Clair Huxtable than June Cleaver, don’t set yourself up for failure and frustration. In other words don’t get so infatuated you lose sight of the hand writing on the wall. Not acting on green lights, or ignoring red flags can make the difference between success and failure.
Third, ask him about his cultural, and spiritual beliefs. If he’s over 25 years old, they may be somewhat flexible, but odds are they WON’T change. If the man is over 35, unless something causes a complete paradigm shift, the chance of his attitudes and beliefs changing are slim to none. Don’t ignore anything a man tells you. He means it! This applies to everything from his views on parenting, relationships, gender roles, religion and family values. If he says I want to date, don’t get mad if he sees other women. He warned you. No matter how much pussy you give up, it isn’t going to change his mind.
Lastly, ask him what he thinks about sex and intimacy. Now, before you screw this up, use tact. Don’t be too timid, but don’t be to graphic. Speaking to him in a language he understands will take you much further faster. If he characterizes oral sex as “getting some head,” ask him do you want me give you head often. Don’t ask him do you like oral sex? If you want him to kiss and hold you, don’t say do you like to cuddle. Not communicating effectively will come back to haunt you. Remember he’s a Man, not a mind reader. For men, good sex and intimacy is the result of effective communication, knowing his preferences, reiteration and recurrence. No matter how great the amount of initial attraction, if the two of you don’t share like attitudes and common preferences in the bed room - It will NOT work. Though not all, but many men will sleep with you over and over for months and even years, and never tell you they’re not really feeling you. As for the 90 day rule, that is a bunch of bullshit. Most men will just keep having sex with Ms. Right Now until your 90 days is up. A sincere conversation about your attitudes and feelings about sex will work much better.
My last bit of advice. If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it. You cannot force a man to be on the same page with you. If you like spontaneity, and he’s a couch potato, run. If you like talking, and he’s an introvert, don’t ignore it. In my 10 years of being America’s Leading Relationship Expert, I’ve learned that people are like Leopards and Zebras, they may age, but seldom do their spots or strips change. Take your time, become friends first, and have no expectations. Allow your relationship to develop on it’s own, and in it’s own time. Remember you can’t un-strike a match! Last, but certainly not least, avoid the desperate brother. He’s the one who is never busy, always available and whatever you say or do is okay. That fool is going to either turn into a stalker, or become a pain in the ass. Men that are worth your time have a life. They aren’t going to rush, nor pressure you, and they have several women just like you trying to get at them. All it takes to separate yourself from the pack is be authentically you. ALL MEN love a ride or die chick.
P.S. If you are still stuck in a void from your last relationship, go to www.divanyoung.com and order Break Up, Don’t Break Down. It will get you out of the abyss and back into life. Good Luck.
Dr. D Ivan Young
America's Leading Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach
Author of Break Up, Don’t Break Down
Basketball Wives - Bullying 101 by America's Leading Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young
Basketball Wives - Bullying 101 America's Leading Relationship Expert - A Point of View by Dr. D Ivan Young
Since airing it’s first season, Basketball Wives has not ceased to consistently embarrass, humiliate and debase African American Women. Years ago I remember watching the evening news with my mother. Every time a negative story about crime, or something stupid, aired Mom would make the statement, “Please don’t be Black.” I recall being in a heightened state of suspense, looking at the news as if I’d matched five of the first six lottery numbers, and waiting for the last number to be called, only to see if Mother’s nightmare would come true. Ninety percent of the time the only clue hinting that it wasn’t a “Negro” doing something which would embarrass the rest of our race would be the absence of a Black face at the beginning of the story. Well, on May 13, 2012, there would be no such relief. This particular Sunday night on Basketball Wives, America’s most shameful ghettoresque show, featuring Black Women. Degradation, disgrace and a-got-damn-shame, were the only words I can use that came close to describing what I was witnessing. As a bi-racial man, I was embarrassed for every Black Woman in America.
Despite the fact that there is not one actual wife on this program. In spite of the fact that the show is based on a group of ex-basketball groupies that have been kicked to the curb by men who had the sense to jettison them. It is an insult to every decent strong supportive woman, black, white, brown, yellow, or purple, that is, or has been, the backbone of a professional athlete. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Shaunie O'Neal has become the chief conductor of a run away VH1 train wreck.
Not since the Flavor of Love, have I seen women, and I use the term Women loosely, be portrayed in such a dim, money hungry, fame seeking, fanatical light. Like many, I “was” a fan of Basketball wives. But now, I’m wondering, by watching this, am I supporting the debasement of Women, and especially Black Women. Now before someone starts saying Dr. D Ivan Young is bashing a show produced by an African American woman, featuring Black Women, let’s set the record straight. I am an avid supporter of the National Organization for Women, frequent contributor to Black Women Who Want More & Yes I Am My Sister’s Keeper on Facebook, as well as the Holistic Life Coach for Bella Petite Magazine, and that’s just to name a few. My late mother, Juanita D. Williams-Young was one of the first Black female state officials in Texas. I am a close family friend of United States Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee and several other female city, state and federal appointed and elected officials, Not to mention, I grew up seeing the likes of the late Texas Governor Ann Richards, the first black congresswoman, Shirley Chisholm and Barbara Jordan sit at my mother's dinner table discussing the plight of women’s rights in America. (I’m pointing that out to give you my frame of reference.)
Given the fact that Basketball Wives is just one of many sexist, self-degrading programs on television exploiting dysfunctional, mentally unstable, women. We won’t bother to delve into programs that are equally as disgusting such as Bad Girls Club on Oxygen, Mob Wives on VH1, and The Real House Wives Franchise’s on Bravo). My question - what in the hell is going on here? In the last three seasons of broadcast television we’ve set the women’s suffrage movement back one hundred and seventy two years. I know Elizbeth Cady Stanton and Lurcretia Mott are spinning in their graves like the rotisserie birds at Boston Market. If Harriet Tubman was alive, she’d load, take aim, and fire at the programming executives that put these train wrecks on television for our daughters to watch.
My question is WTF is wrong with us that we are allowing this bullshit into our homes on a weekly basis. Moreover, why are we watching it. Is it curiosity, stupidity, or are we in awe of how dysfunctional we as a society have become. One would think that after the women’s suffrage movement and the civil rights movement, the American public would would have evolved past such mediocrity. Based on what we air on prime time television, we have a hell of a long way to go. America, we can’t blame this one on “the white man.”
Before I lose sight of my reason for writing this weeks blog, let me get back to Basketball Wives. There is so much wrong with this program, I won’t begin to attempt to address its many issues. But I will touch on this dysfunctional cast of characters along with this weeks train wreck. This program is a hot mess. It has a Hoe, two mentally unstable Fools, an Instigator, a female pimp for a producer (she’s exploiting women for profit), and a couple of Hustlers turned reality stars. Behind this mess is executive producer Shaunie O’Neal, the ex-wife of sports legend Shaquille ‘Shaq’ O’Neal.
My question - Has Ms. O’Neal traded her integrity for profiteering and ratings, by purposely exploiting a negative depiction of Black Women in front of 20 million plus viewers.
Let’s begin the dissection of this mess with reality star - Jennifer.
Jennifer Williams is the former wife of fool, and former Celtic Eric Williams. Jennifer’s contribution to the program ranges from enlisting Star Jones gay ex-husband, Al Reynolds, to hook her up, to posing nude on the internet while soliciting Playboy to pay for her pics (which they rejected), to bullying Royce Reed, a former Miami Heat, and Orlando Magic dancer, to getting the shit slapped out of her by Nia Crooks, who took her in while in New York when she had no where else to go. FYI - Nia Crooks is the assistant of Jennifer’s former partner in bullying Evelyn Lozada.
Evelyn Lozada is the former fiance of former Celtic, Miami Heat and Memphis Grizzly player Antoine Walker. It is reported when Walker experienced hard times, Evelyn bailed on him. In the finale of season 3 of “Basketball Wives,” fists were flying when Tami found out Evelyn hooked up with her ex-husband Kenny Anderson while they were married. In 2011, after dating for less than four months, Evelyn got engaged to Chad Ochocinco, another multimillionaire and pro-football star. Evelyn stated in an interview that if Chad, cheats it’s cool. My opinion, as long as she has access to his check book, nothing else matters. (click here to hear it from the horses mouth) The two are reportedly getting married in the summer of 2012. However, I will give her credit where it’s due. At least she’s being honest, which is more than I can say for most people. Evelyn’s contribution to this mess is she is an admitted work in progress. She’s gone from groupie, to entrepreneur, to future wife. I have to at least give her credit for owning her mistakes, and working toward positive change.
But I can’t be so kind to Tami Roman. I’m not going to call Tami the B - word. But if you look up hood rat ghetto B**** in the dictionary you will see Tami Roman’s picture. Tami is a prime candidate for years and years of therapy, accompanied by some strong psychotropic medication. This week on season 4 episode 13 Tami set the evolution of Black Women back to pre Cleopatra. Not only was this an embarrassment for her co-star Kesha Nichols, it was one of the worst portrayals of the, “Angry Black Woman” in broadcast television history. Putting it mildly, Tami showed her ignorant ghetto ass. Beginning with bullying Kesha, then stealing her purse, she had the audacity to demand an apology after tormenting her to the point of tears. Right now, I can hear my late mother saying, “Lord have mercy Jesus, why did she have to be black.” Not only did this fool do the fool, she lowered the bar so low that if Satan was watching the show, he probably stood up in the middle of Hades, said, “What in hell is this,” and changed the channel.
Tami Roman makes NeNe Leaks look like Coretta Scott King. Never in my life have I seen a grown woman, of any race, act with such a lack of self respect and decency. Not only was I disgusted, I was embarrassed and hurt. It is my hope that Shaunie remove her from the program. Not only is she a trifling role model, she’s is a poor representation for Women in general. My greatest fear is that some teenage girl, or immature ass adult will see her shenanigans as an acceptable behavior and imitate them. America, how can there be any good in watching a 40 something woman bully other women?
Making matters worse, immediately following the Tami’s fiasco, Evelyn Lozada accompanied by a mindless, dependent Suzie Ketcham, and Shaunie O’Neal set another hot ghetto mess in motion. How is placing rancid dead fish and squid in Kenya Bells room while on this hellish holiday in Tahiti not bullying? Did they care, did they give a damn? Will someone explain to me how this could play out in front of 20 million viewers? Did they take a moment to consider the poor maid who would have to clean up their childish mess? Moreover, this was not scripted, it was real. What kind of message is this sending to the millions of teenage, and young adult women that watch this program? By the way, the majority of which are minorities from middle to low income families. In short, this program has worn out it’s welcome! Having no socially redeeming quality or entertainment value, all Basketball Wives has left to offer is a testament to everything that a Black Woman should avoid being.
Our moral compass has lost track of magnetic north. It’s bad enough that our children are suffering from bullying; our mothers are killing themselves and their children; we have perverts in our pulpits. As along as we support such programming, we are moving backwards instead of forwards. It’s sad, in an effort to entertain ourselves, we are settling for these bottom of the barrel television shows. If we don’t do some serious introspection, we’re going to find the collective consciousness of mankind increasingly, and morally, bankrupt. Reality television went from being fun to anything but. In my opinion, we’ve lost our damn minds. I think it’s time to cut the television off and read a book.
Dr. D Ivan Young
America's Leading Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach
Author of Break Up, Don’t Break Down
Deion Sanders vs Pilar - The Relationship Experts Point of View by America's Leading Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young
Deion vs. Pilar
Deion Sanders vs. Pilar
by Celebrity Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach Dr. D Ivan Young
Emotionally Bankrupt in Prosper, Texas?
Deion! Pilar! What in the hell! What’s wrong with you both? One would think a quarter of a billion dollars, a beautiful woman and a sports legend would possess the perfect ingredients to complete an American, pie in the sky, success story. Well guess again. If that’s the reality, it would be the equivalent of saying Kanye West and Taylor Swift shared a reflective moment at the MTV Video Awards 2009. There is anything but peace and prosperity coming out of Prosper, Texas, the current hometown of Deion & Pilar Sanders. Just in case you’ve been under a rock for the last two months, retired pro-football & pro-baseball, superstar Deion Sanders and his now estranged wife, model Pilar Sanders have lost their damn minds.
By now, many of us are asking, what went wrong? Answer, obviously a great deal. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s begin with the self-evident. Temptation ain’t no joke. The issue at hand is, what’s your poison? For most of us to fathom the day to day life of Pilar and Deion Sanders would require multiplying our biggest fantasies by ten. Even then you still wouldn’t come close to having a clue of what good looks, fame and fortune bring. With fame comes infamy. What was a blessing for the Sanders clan has turned into a full fledged curse.
Deion’s weaknesses are narcissism, a need for attention and beautiful women. As for Pilar, vanity, a need to prove herself successful, and materialism have cost her the most important thing in her life - her family. “What profit a man to gain the world at the expense of his soul,” has gone far beyond a concept here. It has evolved into a living breathing nightmare for both Deion and Pilar. Mildly put - Success is a Bitch!
The Infamous Dallas Cowboys defensive back, formerly an integral part of “America’s Team,” now mimics the character J.R. Ewing, from 80’s prime-time soap opera Dallas. While Pilar has become the embittered vindictive Sue Ellen Ewing. Deion, like J.R., is fighting to protect his ASSets and his reputation, while Pilar, like Sue Ellen, is trying to outrun the long-casting shadow of a powerful and successful man. What once was a team to be reckoned with (Deion & Pilar) is now the spoils for greedy divorce lawyers hovering like buzzards over a dying carcass.
At one time, Sanders was considered one of the most versatile athletes in the history of professional sports. Not only was he a beast on the football field, he was a force to be reckoned with in major league baseball as well. In the NFL, he played primarily at cornerback. Also he occasionally played wide receiver, kick and punt returner, and also as a running back. Playing for the Atlanta Falcons, the San Francisco 49ers, the Dallas Cowboys, the Washington Redskins, and the Baltimore Ravens. Not to mention winning the Super Bowl with both the 49ers and the Cowboys. As a pro-baseball star, he played for the New York Yankees, the Atlanta Braves, the Cincinnati Reds, and the San Francisco Giants. In other words, everything Deion tried, he excelled at. To date Sanders is the only pro athlete to ever hit a home run and score a touchdown in professional sports in the same week. Sanders retired the first time in 2001
After his divorce in 1998, both Deion Sanders and I ended up sitting on the same pew at the Potters House in Dallas. Ironically, at that time, both he and I shared two things, an insatiable attraction to beautiful women, and a new found spiritual awakening. Both of us were greatly influenced by Bishop T.D. Jakes and Pastor Lawrence Robinson of the Potters House in Dallas. Shortly thereafter I wrote Tired of Being Alone and Deion chronicled his conversion in the 1998 book Power, Money, & Sex: How Success Almost Ruined My Life. Ironically, I'm choosing to remain single for the time being (actually I'm in a great relationship, with myself, and my career takes up most of my time), and success has almost ruined Deion's life - again.
From that point our paths haven’t crossed again. One thing was certain, both of us were changed men. I chose to remain single, but in 1998 Pilar Biggers became Mrs. Deion Sanders. a.k.a Ms. Prime Time (“That name came from my realization that I had to maximize my time as a professional athlete in order to secure my family’s financial future.” by Deion Sanders)
Pilar was raised in the upstate New York town of Elmira. She attended Syracuse University studying pretty much everything the school had to offer until her senior year. Then the world of high fashion came calling. Pilar became a successful print and runway model and was represented by Irene Marie and Ford Models. Pilar then parlayed her success as a model into an up and coming acting career and appeared in such television series as The Jamie Foxx Show and Walker, Texas Ranger. It was on the set of one show, L.L. Cool Jay’s “In The House”, that Pilar met superstar athlete Deion Sanders in the mid-90’s. After playing very hard to get, Pilar moved to Dallas to be near Deion and the next year they married. Since becoming Pilar Sanders, she has devoted herself to raising her three young children and her two teenage step-children.
When they first married Sanders stated, "Pilar is a good woman with Christian values and has helped me rebuild the shattered pieces of my life," Sanders told Jet Magazine. "Miracle of miracles, I am alive and in love again!"
Now, if you’re like me, you’re asking yourself - What in the hell went wrong. I have two answers for you. 1) They are both human! And 2) Life happens.
Living life under a microscope is no easy task. When people are constantly waiting on you to fail, and the majority of your friends are fake, it’s easy to become isolated and alone. As things head in that direction, it’s far from unusual for couples to stop talking. Lesson - People, if you ever stop talking to your mate, you’d better be double careful of what you’re listening to. Whether your listening to the traitorous BS of others or that from yourself, either can be destructive. In a normal set of circumstances, this is a recipe for disaster. Imagine the destruction for those living in a pseudo Camelot. Allowing negative outside influences in is never a good thing. Once this happens you’re at the beginning of the end.
For the rich and famous disintegration comes quickly. Throw in a group of vampire bat lawyers, money-grabbing groupies and pity partying ex-football wives; and acceleration is inevitable. Between the know-it-alls, and the haters, how could Deion or Pilar not eventually succumb to external influences and internal fears. Adding insult to injury, unlimited resources and what celebrity status only complicates an already decaying situation. It’s no wonder this relationship quickly spiraled downward.
Hopefully the Sanders won’t lose sight of what helped them survive this long, their spiritual origins. When this family was praying together, it was together. But when you kick God out, the devil quickly moves in. The lesson for the rest of us is be just as thankful for what you don’t have as you are for that which you do. Money, fame and power aren’t the source of a good relationship. As a matter of fact they can do much more harm than good. I wish Deion and Pilar the very best. After all it’s the kids that lose the most in the end.
In-case you are not abreast of the latest on the Sanders saga, here’s an update from my friends at TMZ.
- Pilar Sanders now wants to talk face-to-face with her estranged husband Deion’s alleged mistresses in an attempt to prove he was an unfaithful husband, reports TMZ.com. But according to Pilar, Deion is trying thwart her efforts by trying to bribe one of his jumpoffs to keep quiet.
- According to TMZ, Pilar has filed a motion in court demanding sanctions against Deion in their ongoing divorce proceedings, claiming the former NFL cornerback has been tampering with witnesses, in this case, a 20-year-old model Deion allegedly slept with last summer named Aleea Stanton. Pilar claims Deion attempted to bribe Aleea to keep her mouth shut about their fling — so now, Pilar wants the court to punish him for his unsavory tactics.
- Pilar also claims Deion orchestrated the previously reported standoff between her and Deion’s aunt Laura last month — to steal an audio recording device that contained damning evidence against the NFL star.
- As a result, Pilar is also asking the court for sanctions against Deion for intentional destruction of evidence and corruption.
- In addition to the sanctions, Pilar filed documents requesting to take depositions of several other people — including producer Tracey Edmonds, another alleged mistress.
- Tracey tells TMZ, “I am shocked to learn that Pilar Sanders is trying to drag me and my employees through her pre-nuptial dispute. I cannot understand why she continues to create public issues out of her private life issues and feel very sorry for their children.” Tracey adds, “For the record, Deion Sanders and I first met at the top of this year, after he filed for divorce, when he and his partner reached out to me to produce a project of his.”
This is Just Sad!!!
Currently Deion Sanders is a sports analyst for several television and radio networks. Pilar has many personal projects in the works. Pilar is the Co-Founder and Director of “Prime Time Achievers”, a multi-faceted summer camp for kids. She has fulfilled a long-time dream of writing children’s books, two of which are set for publication later this year. Pilar is the Founder of “Essence of Beshalom”, a foundation that works with young women and girls and focuses on building self esteem. She is producing a play and she is heavily involved with another charitable organization she founded with Deion called “Sanders Claus”, a organization that helps families in need and makes dreams come true for the underprivileged.
Pilar and Deion have three children together - Shiloh, Shedeur and Shelomi. She is stepmother to Deion’s two children from his previous marriage to Carolyn Sanders - Deiondra and Deion Jr.
By Celebrity Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach
Dr. D Ivan Young
Relationship Expert & Holistic Life Coach
Author of Break Up, Don’t Break Down